I went to another wedding party last night. I have been to more weddings since coming to India than I have in the rest of my life put together.
Indian weddings start with the groom travelling about doing puja at temples with a brass band in tow. Eventually he arrives at the bride’s house and after more puja, a lot more, she comes out and they have the wedding party. After the party they do puja all night. If the bride and groom live in separate cities then about two days later they go to the groom’s city and have an identical party but without the main puja. I have never seen any bride or any groom with any appearance other than tired and bewildered; it is extremely draining.
A wedding party consists of loud music and lots of people and food in a tent. The bride and groom sit on thrones next to each other, both decked in regalia, and everyone is trotted to their platform to stand near them for photography. I have been the only foreigner at all the wedding parties I have thus attended. I am in a lot of pictures with brides and grooms that I do not know at all. This amuses Nandan and I love it too.
I still cannot speak Hindi. I make daily progress but it has not resulted in more than an occassional pertinent sentence.
I am in touch with Seema who has given me dates to be in the Punjab (mid March). She says that Heera will not be there; I have not heard from him in about two weeks, but before then plans were on. Who knows. Seema will direct me properly and I am thrilled to hear from her.
Rajan wants to talk about Western sexual attitudes daily. He probes and probes with all sorts of questions about American girls’ attitudes toward marriage. I do not know how to explain to him that marriage is not the first topic of discussion when initiating courtship in the West.
Finally, though, I have confirmed the outlet of Indian sexual frustration through him. As stated in my post about coming to India, I talked with a married Indian businessman about public displays of affection and sex within the American university undergraduate community; this was his fantasy and he asked me strange questions throughout the flight. He made it clear that he was interested in prostitutes and sex with strangers, and that he was happily married and this was a normal desire to him.
Rajan also speaks of having sex with strangers and married women, although his newfound curiousity is the the American custom of having sex with people who one dates. It seems that there is no such outlet for sex in this way here in India, and the idea of knowing another person before having intercourse is foreign to many people here, including before marriage. I explain that Americans have sex with people they date and that it is considered wrong to cheat on your partner. I tell him that a lot of people have open dating relationships, or break up and stay amiable, but that marriage is a commitment that is typically honored and men and women alike who cheat are shamed even by their own friends. He does not understand… he goes on about Indian cultural expectations about sex with horny housewives and frustrated women of all sorts, and all his questions about dating come from the context of an ideology that says men and women cannot date in the Western sense of the word. I wish I could explain this concisely but Rajan and others explain a complicated structure whereby married men and women alike have sex with strangers, cheat on each other, and everyone pretends that it does not happen. There is talk of rent boys – straight only – who actually make a living in Delhi, Mumbai, and wherever else rich women live. I do not believe this can happen anywhere, but I recognize that this meme is widespread because he is not the only person to speak of this.
Forgive me for speaking so much on this topic, but practically everyone asks me about my sex life. I politely defer the conversation to Western habits in general and this placates them, and I am at the point now where I am proficient in saying enough to baffle most people and get me away from the tedious explanation.
I have not mentioned it before but I have never seen Nandan’s father and mother together. Devanan threw a dinner party for his kid’s shaved head last Wednesday and after meeting some students from U of Wisconsin – okay kids – I chatted with Nandan. He brought up that his father is angry at his mother over some triviality, and that he has not spoken to her in six months. His father’s health is bad and Nandan attributes this to his devotion to a strict schedule that governs every habit of every day. This is not a bad theory.
His father’s pattern of eating, doing his studies, and other daily business is maintained by his mother’s doing laundry, cooking food, and slaving for him. Nandan says his mother is sad but she wants to do these things. I ask Nandan if his own wife is the same way. He told me that when he is out late his wife will not sleep or eat until he returns, and that this is against his own wishes. The system here smacks of female self-immolation. Women definitely work a lot harder than men and they put up with a lot of baloney, which in my American opinion is a detriment to the culture and not an integral part of it.
I study with Michael Shapiro’s Primer of Modern Standard Hindi and I like it. Most people only know about Snell and Weightman’s Teach Yourself, which is garbage. I am reading faster everyday, but the script does not come naturally yet.
I have been talking with Nandan about business just a bit, without leading him to think I may push something. I have a lot of ideas for making money off tourists here. My ideas would take minimal investment and have a high percentage of return but could only handle low volume. I want to establish some venture while I am here.